And here’s my 5 Step Trigger Remedy Flow:

1. Notice you are triggered (and own it as your state)
Take stock, give yourself ’emergency self-empathy‘, tell your partner if appropriate. Get off or slow down the ‘freight train’ of your stories, narratives, & interpretations, bring your attention back to what you are feeling & needing.

2. Triage (Reality Check)
Are you in fact safe now, physically & emotionally? What immediate outer adjustments are needed? Make requests or move away from triggering situations. No explanation or justification needed, if it’s triggering you, ask for it to please stop for now, or move away.

3. Self Care
Immediate and/or long term, shallow and/or deep. Self-empathy, time-out, self-soothing, grounding, expressing emotion/energy safely & responsibly. Both passive & active. Passive: take a bath, non-sexual holding, lay down on the grass or bed. (Anything that would make a baby/your body feel safe and relax.) Active: run around the block, pound a pillow, scream in a pillow, dance, exercise. (Move your energy, express yourself.)

4. Communicate your Needs/Desires/Longings/Values
Communicate in ways that are likely to move you towards ‘getting more of what you DO want’. This is a skill. It’s good form to start with empathy for others, and owning your needs & desires as your own. Be open to any answer, if one person cannot meet your needs, move forward to meet them yourself in other ways or with other people. Look to open more possibility and mutuality.

Remember: “States Before Statements“. That means put your attention on your state, to take stock of how triggered you are, before deciding how to respond to anything your partner is saying. It also means speaking to your partner’s state. What are they feeling and needing? How can you offer empathy and reassurances that could help them feel better, before replying to their statements. 

5. Get Help If Needed
I’m always here, you’re welcome to reach out to me or to other skilled and trusted friends or professionals.